Some days I get up early, make my coffee, and tackle emails before 8:00 a.m. This isn’t so bad, I think. I put on a wig, apply some funny makeup, and make a few Instagram videos before noon. I’m making the most of it! A real positive Patty.
And other days.
Other days I can’t get out bed. I don’t know why it seems so exhausting to move from one room to the other but it does. Sometimes I’m able to keep the whiny thoughts away. And sometimes I completely give into them.
I can’t stand the thought of having to dig through my suitcases for another pair of sweatpants to put on. Or are they in the one drawer where I’ve put a few things momentarily? Or in the laundry basket, maybe? I have stuff all over Chris’s family cabin, so I have no idea.
I hate that we don’t have a home right now. I hate that I don’t have my things. My couch. My spot. My routine. I hate that I know these are all mostly just things and I shouldn’t care about things, and yet I miss them anyway.
I brush my teeth and start the coffee and then I lay back down while I wait. I do a lot of “laying back down” lately.
I mindlessly scroll my phone as the morning minutes tick by. Back in my old life I loved the morning, I’d never waste the hours like I do now. I’d be up by 5:00 a.m working on my manuscript. The manuscript I was so sure would flow to me once we got to the cabin. I was going to read and write out here all day long, gorgeous lake views surrounding me. It’s what all writers dream of, right? So why have I not written a single word since we’ve been here?
I don’t know why. Because I’m lazy? A little sad. Insecure and worried about the uncertainty of everything and what our future plans hold. I imagined life after Chicago looking one way but now I’m not sure because no one is sure.
Let’s go with all of the above.
When the entire word is scared and uncertain it’s hard… it’s just hard. That’s all there is to it.
As a homebody through and through, I feel like a huge part of me is missing since we don’t really have a home right now… So maybe it’s not the things I miss, but the life they made up. When I think about it too much a huge lump appears in my throat and I want go lay back down, but joke’s on me, I’m ALREADY LAYING DOWN. Damnit. And so I get up. The coffee is done, anyway. It has been for a while.
I pour the coffee and do the things and remind myself I’m being dramatic. Yes, this is a hard time. But at the end of the day I’m still extremely fortunate. I am healthy and I have a job. Who am I to complain?
I am fortunate. I am healthy. I am fine. I repeat things like this over and over and over.
But I also remind myself it’s okay to mourn the life I used to live. I felt gratitude for it daily so how could I not be sad to see it go? But right now I’m in a cozy cabin with Chris and Har, how is that so bad? It’s not! I know it’s not. We’re lucky Chris’s parents have graciously opened it up to us. And yet I seem to argue with myself all day, my thoughts going from to content to frustrated depending on the hour.
I probably shouldn’t publish this post because I look a little crazy, I worry. But then again, maybe we’re all allowed to feel a little crazy right now because we’re riding a crazy wave we weren’t prepared to ride. But just like the other waves we’ve been tossed into throughout our lives, this one will break, too. We just have to ride it out.