The good thing about Lent is that it comes around at just about the exact moment when no one can even remember what a New Years Resolution was in the first place. But this time we’ve got God on our side. We’re serious now.
1. Sweets.
You don’t like to think outside of the box, you’re a “stick to what I know” kinda person because chances are you’ve given this one up for the past ten years. And there’s also a good chance you’ve got a vacation coming up or something where you’ll be in sleeveless clothing and don’t want your arms to jiggle like they are now. No judgment God gets it, have you seen his guns under that white robe?
2. Alcohol.
You don’t have a vacation coming up. But now you’ve got a good excuse to stay in rather than go out during these next few months when you’re still suffering from a little bit of winter blues and prefer to watch House of Cards rather than socialize with real people. Or you’re an alcoholic.
3. Meat.
You’re old school. Or you’re too poor to buy meat right now.
4. Complaining.
Even you can’t stand the sound of your own whining voice as of late. Your mom won’t return your phone calls and you’ve stopped getting texts from all of your friends because no one wants to hang out with you anymore since you’ve turned into such a Debbie Downer. It’s time for a change of attitude, God can help.
5. Coffee.
You don’t have a job you hate.
6. Facebook.
You just got out of a relationship. There’s no better excuse to jump ship than right now when you’ve got God behind you whispering words of encouragement like “You should totally just get off Facebook for a while to cleanse yourself, it will be just like the time my son got lost in the desert for forty days. He came back with like 60 new notifications.“
Facebook is a tricky one though because as we all know your lenten sacrifice is only legit after you’ve posted it at least five times on Facebook. (Including the “good bye I’m giving up Facebook” Facebook status.)
7. Television.
But not Netflix.
8. Chocolate.
You’ve got a serious addiction to candy. Or you just like torturing yourself in preparation of the pounds of Reeses eggs and Snickers candy bars dressed in Easter wrappers that you are going to eat the moment the clock strikes midnight on Easter morning.
9. Wine.
You’re not a mom.
10. Swearing.
You are a mom.
11. Smoking.
You don’t live in Colorado.
12. Spending money on “frivolous items.”
You buy a lot of frivolous shit. Chances are you might be a hoarder of seasonal house decorations from Tj Maxx and Target’s clearance aisles.
13. Going out to eat.
You live in Chicago. And you might be getting a little fat.
14. Nothing. Nothing at all.
You got hammered on Fat Tuesday.
Happy Lent 2014! Let the hunger games begin.
*disclaimer: I love Lent and the real meaning behind it. I also love satire. If anyone wants to leave me a “you don’t love Jesus” comment please refer to #4. And also #10.
