So yesterday was the first time I ever had to experience the pain of having my car towed. And mark my words, it will be my last.
For starters, I wouldn’t recommend walking into the office, and by office I mean a trailer with two cardboard ramps leading into the doors, and exclaiming “So this is what hell looks like.” The two large men behind the bullet proof glass didn’t find it very comical. They also didn’t find it humorous when I said, “So which one of you are Satan?”
Initially, Chris was just going to pick up the car after work since I had class at Second City. But once he got there he was informed (by Satan’s assistant) that because his name wasn’t on the registration he couldn’t get it out. See when we moved to Chicago we sold Chris’s pretty car and kept my reliable Camry instead. But don’t bring this up to Chris, he still misses his car every day, even though I tell him all the time Camry is now our car. But that’s beside point.
After class I jumped in a cab to meet Chris at Columbus and Wacker. Here’s the thing about Wacker street, there’s a Wacker, a middle Wacker, a lower Wacker, and then there’s hell. Guess where the impound lot is? Most people don’t realize the city has multilevel streets on account of the fact they elevated it to be above the water long long ago. A good rule of thumb is if you don’t have red eyes and don’t feed on flesh, try not to go below anything middle level. Especially after dusk… So last night as my cabby was rolling deeper and deeper into the tunnels of lower Chicago I’ll pretend I didn’t start to get a little nervous as I looked around and could start to see the glowing eyes peer back at me from every dark corner. It didn’t help that my phone had 5% battery. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the best time to try to Instagram a selfie from the backseat with the caption “Worst Night Ever! #mondays! #OOTD”
Anyway, Mr. Cab Man got as close to the impound lot as he felt comfortable before he slowed the car a bit and insisted I just tuck and roll. Chris was supposed to be waiting for me, but of course he was nowhere in sight because he’s not an idiot and he was waiting on middle Wacker with the rest of normal living society.
To get into the actual impound office I had to pass two security guards, walk up a ramp, knock three times, go down a slide, solve a riddle, and kill a troll. And once inside I was finally able to meet with the devil who stole my car. The devil in the blue Bears jersey. I’ll spare you the details of my interaction at this point, but let’s just say it was as smooth as interacting with the DMV’s inbred cousin who refused to make eye contact.
The real icing on the cake came when I finally got to my car and saw a small piece of the front bumper was hanging low, to the point of actually touching the ground. When I pulled my car around toward the exit it sounded like I was dragging a metal body on stilts.
I stormed into the office, and by this time there was a line of about ten other pour souls always waiting to hear their fate, and the guard told me I had to wait. I had to wait because “I got out of line.” If ever there was a time for someone to make a gif of me it would have been last night when I was told I had to wait before I could talk to someone about the fact they had messed up my car. I mean our car. I went a little nutso.
Because I am clearly too emotionally attached to this event at this time I will wrap it up by saying the impound man simply looked at my car, shrugged, and said “yeah this happens sometimes.” He told me if I want Chicago to fix my car I have to go and get three different estimates and then go file a claim at City Hall. Do you know what city hall is like in the third largest city in America? It’s like walking through a spider web over and over and over.
Wish me luck for a better Tuesday.
ughhhhhh i can't even imagine how frustrating this is! haha but your description of the people and the places is horribly entertaining. sorry your tuesday sucks! maybe time for a Bloody?
I feel your pain. Horrid place. There's sneaky timing tricks to city hall, let me know when you're ready I can tell you!
Yikes…sounds like quite the ordeal! Glad you survived the scary impound and got your car back. Hope the rest of your week is better!
O.M.G. I would have flipped on them…wow. O.M.G. That is insane!
Reminds me of Adventures in Babysitting! If you haven't seen that you really need to it's a classic 80's Chicago movie.
I am totally intrigued by Wacker street now. Different levels? It sounds like the catacombs of Italy-only not. I really want to go to Chicago now. Not only for the Pizza but for the weird streets. This experience sounds like bureaucratic nightmare on top of nightmare. You are quite the comedian. It's totally coming through in your writing.
They have a TV show that documents the people that Ticket cars and have them impounded. It actually follows people into "hell" and videos their disgust for Satan and his people.
Parking Wars, I think.
That sucks! Sorry you had to go through this. I can't even believe he was such a jerk about messing up your car. I would have gone cat flinging crazy, too! Hope your day is better today:)
File a claim with your insurance and let them subrogate the city. It might take forever but they should be able to get your deductible back!
Yikes, I'm sorry you had to go through that. How annoying that they messed up your car on top of it all. I hope everything gets worked out and you don't have to pay for the damage.
We have been to the "hell" you are speaking of twice! We avoid Wacker for this reason and now every time we park on the street we check 29374937 to make sure we are parking correctly but my stomach is always in knots until we return to our car… because you forgot to mention that "hell" comes with a very hefty pricetag.
that happens sometimes?! ohhhh really?! cool…
Oh my gosh, that sounds awful. I so appreciate your humor and the way you describe everything though. Good to know you still can [somewhat] laugh about the incident. I had to go with a friend once to get his car out of a tow lot and I hated every second of it too – wasn't even my car. Sorry lady!!!
Well I guess there's a reason that Wacker is a letter away from Wanker…*
*Pointless comment
So they're all sketch hole trailers located in bfe. At about $200 a tow, you would think they could afford an actual office!
kill a troll hahaha
um that's a lot of work to get your car fixed, what the hell! can your insurance company do all that for you?
I love that you put a positive spin even on the worst of events. Hope the rest of your week makes up for the disaster that was today!
I would be so ticked off! Hopefully you are able to get your bumper fixed 🙁
Is it bad to say this totally made me laugh?
Schadenfreuden I guess…but your descriptions were hilarious. This will become one of your best comedy bits I'm sure.
bisous
Suzanne
I DIED laughing while I was reading this…!!! Too many good jokes – I don't even know know where to begin..
More, please.
Why was it towed…………there are some places around here that have signs about cars being towed but let's be honest here……..have ones car towed is not common place here down under…………yet…….
I totally remember hearing about lower Wacker when I visited Chicago. It sounded scary then, but you make it sound terrifying! So so sorry that you had to go through that 🙁
Dang. Sounds like such a nightmare!
When we moved to Chicago we lived in a high rise. As a renter in the building, we *had* to have our car valet parked rather than having an assigned spot (you'd think it would be opposite treatment, but whatever). Well a couple of months in, they brought up our car and it had bright yellow paint scratched into the side. Obviously the valet had hit one of the columns in the garage, but of course denied it and we had no way to prove that he did it. Did I mention that the car was brand new? Ah Chicago. This is one of the many reasons why I can't have nice things.
LOL- I've never been to Chicago but I do now know if I ever go I will make extra certain NOT to get my car towed. Bless your heart, sounds like a horrible experience.
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